here we go.

when i told my mom about my three-piece psychology today feature on depression and suicide and mentioned that i’d written that i never tried to commit suicide, she said, “you told me you’d tried to commit suicide.” did i? i don’t know. i don’t think i did, but might i have said that? possibly.

you see, when i was about twelve or so, one day i was feeling particularly depressed. i didn’t want to die – i really didn’t – but i remember thinking that i wanted to go to sleep for a long time. i took pills – a few dozen tylenol and aspirin – and after a while, i felt drowsy. i panicked and called one of my girlfriends. crying, i told her what i’d done, that i didn’t want to kill myself – i just wanted to go to sleep. she listened to me and stayed on the phone with me until i didn’t feel sleepy anymore and had calmed down.

that’s the closest i’ve ever come to committing suicide and like i said, i didn’t want to die at the time – i just wanted to go to sleep for a long time, but not permanently.

i read about fantasia’s recent suicide attempt and she said, “I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace.”

wow. because i wanted to sleep. and i took dozens of pills. but i don’t think i wanted to die – i think i was disconnected and in a bad space and wasn’t rational enough to realize that taking that many pills might kill me. that’s why i freaked out when i realized i was sleepy – i was scared i’d fall asleep and never wake up. i didn’t want to tell my parents because depression wasn’t a topic i felt comfortable discussing with them. that said, i wanted to talk to someone to keep from falling asleep – possibly permanently. so i did. thank God for my friend staying on the phone with me.

so that’s my thoughts when i saw fantasia’s piece.