i’m pretty messed up. i’ve been pretty messed up for a couple of days.

before i seem like i’m purposely trying to have a sensational title, let me explain:

i ran into a picture of a girl who died in the bathroom. body slumped on the floor, tailbone prominent, stomach distended, left arm completely in the toilet, right side of her body totally bruised, toes locked up in apparent rigor mortis.

i ran into it on accident. after i saw it, freaked out internally, kept looking, etc., i went to a friend, and this is pretty much how it went:

me: can i vent?
her: of course.
me: well, actually, i mean can i talk something out?
her: sure.
me: i was looking for [something] online, and…
i got a big smile on my face
my friend has said that i often smile or laugh at inappropriate times. between telling her (inaccurately) that i wanted to vent and my huge smile, she said: “uh oh – now i’m scared…”
i started to try and tell her more but i stopped, started crying silently, covered my mouth with my hand, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

my friend said, “oh no, what’s going on?”

after many tears, i finally was able to tell her: “i saw a picture of a girl who died in her eating disorder. in the bathroom.” (blah, blah, blah)

i knew the girl’s age, height, weight, and how much volume/weight was in her stomach when it ruptured. i don’t know her name.

if i was a visual artist and was drawn towards the macabre, i would’ve thought it was beautiful. it was… it was…

as it was, i was someone sitting there and i was horrified. devastated. messed up. i didn’t know how to deal with it.

i still don’t. i’ve cried every day (okay… two days) about it. it was devastating. i can’t describe it.

i thought of posting it on my blog but really since i can’t even handle it, why would i share it with other. like i said, i’ve been messed up since i saw it. no need to make anyone else that way.

i’m horrified by it. i have no control over it. i can’t solve it.

and seeing that leads me to feel discouraged – eating disorders are so intense and deep. what can i do to stop them? what can i do to keep people from killing themselves? how can i help in this big picture?

and i feel, at this moment, that i can’t do anything and i feel helpless and very sad.