i’m pretty messed up. i’ve been pretty messed up for a couple of days.

before i seem like i’m purposely trying to have a sensational title, let me explain:

i ran into a picture of a girl who died in the bathroom. body slumped on the floor, tailbone prominent, stomach distended, left arm completely in the toilet, right side of her body totally bruised, toes locked up in apparent rigor mortis.

i ran into it on accident. after i saw it, freaked out internally, kept looking, etc., i went to a friend, and this is pretty much how it went:

me: can i vent?
her: of course.
me: well, actually, i mean can i talk something out?
her: sure.
me: i was looking for [something] online, and…
i got a big smile on my face
my friend has said that i often smile or laugh at inappropriate times. between telling her (inaccurately) that i wanted to vent and my huge smile, she said: “uh oh – now i’m scared…”
i started to try and tell her more but i stopped, started crying silently, covered my mouth with my hand, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

my friend said, “oh no, what’s going on?”

after many tears, i finally was able to tell her: “i saw a picture of a girl who died in her eating disorder. in the bathroom.” (blah, blah, blah)

i knew the girl’s age, height, weight, and how much volume/weight was in her stomach when it ruptured. i don’t know her name.

if i was a visual artist and was drawn towards the macabre, i would’ve thought it was beautiful. it was… it was…

as it was, i was someone sitting there and i was horrified. devastated. messed up. i didn’t know how to deal with it.

i still don’t. i’ve cried every day (okay… two days) about it. it was devastating. i can’t describe it.

i thought of posting it on my blog but really since i can’t even handle it, why would i share it with other. like i said, i’ve been messed up since i saw it. no need to make anyone else that way.

i’m horrified by it. i have no control over it. i can’t solve it.

and seeing that leads me to feel discouraged – eating disorders are so intense and deep. what can i do to stop them? what can i do to keep people from killing themselves? how can i help in this big picture?

and i feel, at this moment, that i can’t do anything and i feel helpless and very sad.

here’s my latest huffington post piece (yeah, i’m busting them out!):
jay-z reminds me of republicans

i really try not to be a hater in my pieces. and as one of the commenters mentioned, i too am tired of jay-z, bey, and the rest. but the more i thought about this, the more i felt compelled to write it.

unfortunate thing was by the time i posted it, he’d refuted the report, which would have nixed my piece. still, i felt it was an important comparison and decided to publish it regardless.

i’m looking for the latest statistics on eating disorders. it seems every site says the same thing:

• 10 million females in the u.s. have an ed.
• 1 million males in the u.s. have an ed.

i’ve heard these stats for at least a decade. there’s no way they’re still accurate. that’s like saying the obesity rate is the same now as it was 10 years ago, and we all know that’s not the truth.

looks like i’m going to have to pick some experts’ brains because the above facts won’t work. time for them to be updated for the 21st century.

you write a first draft of a piece, think it’s 93% crap, edit it a couple times and think it’s now 82% crap, get ready to start edit three and realize:
holy crap, this is worse than crap. this won’t cut it – at all. and all of a sudden you’re completely re-writing the piece?

*holding up my hand*

and now, about three hours later, way past the time for me to hit the sack, i’ve finished this new version and i’m about to turn in for the night.

back to draft one. but this time, i’m feeling like it’s, maybe, hopefully, 70% crap (or 30% good). i can work with that.

i just read that sinead o’connor recently tried to commit suicide. that’s sad.

one thing that i thought was cool, though, is that she asked for help on twitter. i would assume that wasn’t easy – putting it out there in such a public forum. but she did it anyway.

i hope someone was able to help.

here’s my latest huffington post piece:
real housewives of beverly hills: blunted affect

even though i minored in psychology and am a publicist at a psychology company, i had to do a lot of research on affect. the initial term that came to mind was low affect. after research, i learned that wasn’t a true term (although that was the one that seemed to most fit what i was saying), and fortunately, i was able to incorporate the correct terms in there. i must’ve spent more than an hour reading about different aspects, background on, and specifics of affect. it’s reflected in my piece.

although some didn’t agree with my point, it’s okay – i still agree wit what i wrote. i think. but since i was dealing with someone else’s blunted affect, i’m not totally sure.

really. it helps me know exactly whose projects – music, movies, etc. – i won’t be supporting.

• kelly clarkson.
• michelle branch.

please, more, come out of the woodwork. make this one easy for me.

i’m reading a book right now and the person is chronicling her journey in recovery. the more i was reading, the more i thought, man, she seems really judgmental of everyone. then i thought, adia, aren’t you judging her?

um, yeah. oops.

• good news: i didn’t buy a bag that day…
• possibly not-as-good news: i bought one today.
• good news: it’s about 55% (give or take a couple percentage points) off.
• possibly not-as-good news: it still cost about $200.
• good news: it’s a purse i’ve been eyeing for maybe four, five years
• bad news: it doesn’t have a top zip closure.
• good news: it is red.
• bad news: it might be calfskin, which would lead to more
• bad news: i’d have to return it.
• good news: it’s coming on thursday.
• bad news: it doesn’t get here until thursday!

*groooooan*

i made a booboo.

it’s all my mom’s fault.

she said she wanted a particular red handbag from calvin klein. i went on the site and next thing you know, i spent a couple hundred – on clothes for myself (sorry, mom, couldn’t find the bag)!

it only got worse from there.

somehow, i started looking at handbags. not any handbags – satchels. not any satchels – american-brand satchels. save me from myself, this is bad. next thing i know, i’m spending a few hours perusing american-brand satchels. you know how it goes – once you view the site, it shows the exact same product when you open new pages. it’s as if it’s taunting me: “you thought you could escape? not a chance. you’re in satchel hell and we’re keeping you here.”

you see, i shop a lot more in december. first, my birthday is in december, and i always “spoil” myself. usually i just buy myself one thing, but i think i’m on purchase… 3? 4? who knows. then, i get a bonus, so i do some extra shopping with that. then, i’m buying presents for family and friends and – as was the case with ck – i sometimes end up getting more things for myself.

i am a shopper. i mean, i can shop. you’d be impressed, trust me. as it is, i only have so much money to shop, so that tempers that impulse. still, like many things, once i start, it’s harder to stop.

and boy, can i be impulsive! (i’m sure you’re not surprised.) it can be reeeally, reeeally tempting. i start tan-knuckling it.

so what’s my trick for not buying everything i see?

sleep on it.

my rule is i can’t buy the item that day, even if it’s on a site like gilt or ruelala or ideeli or hautelook or… (see, i told you i can shop!) i have to wait until the next day.

the crazy thing is often by the next day, i’m sane enough to not buy whatever item(s) i was salivating over the day before. that doesn’t mean i no longer want it, but at least i can pass.

there was this dooney & bourke satchel i was thinking of buying tonight. really thinking about buying. and (in adia-handbag-buying-world) it was fairly affordable. i had to resist, though. we’ll see how i’m feeling tomorrow. hopefully the desire will have passed enough that i won’t buy it.

fingers crossed.